Is This You?
Your friend asks, “Do you like my new business idea?” and you think it’s terrible. Your partner asks, “Do I look okay in this?” and the honest answer is “not really.” At work, a colleague is making a mistake that will affect the whole team. You want to be honest. However, you also don’t want to cause a fight. You don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings or get labeled as “negative.” So you stay silent, or you tell a little white lie. But the silence feels fake, and the lie feels even worse.
Is there a way to be both truthful and kind? To communicate effectively without causing collateral damage? Our ancient sages thought about this deeply, and they laid out a clear, four-part filter for wise communication.
The Ancient Anchor
A famous verse from the Subhashitas (a collection of wise sayings) gives us a powerful checklist for speech. Before you speak, the words should pass four tests:
सत्यं ब्रूयात् प्रियं ब्रूयात् न ब्रूयात् सत्यमप्रियम् |प्रियं च नानृतं ब्रूयादेष धर्मः सनातनः ||
(Satyam Bruyat, Priyam Bruyat, Na Bruyat Satyam Apriyam |Priyam ca Nanrutam Bruyadesha Dharmah Sanatanah ||)
Translation: Speak the truth. Speak what is pleasant. Do not speak an unpleasant truth. And do not speak a pleasant lie. This is the eternal law (Dharma).
This seems contradictory at first. How can you not speak an “unpleasant truth”? The deeper meaning is a guide to skillful timing and phrasing. It means: find a way to frame the truth so it can be received without causing unnecessary pain. It’s the art of being both honest and compassionate.
How This Philosophy Unfolds in the Ancient Texts
Our epics show how the wisest characters navigated this delicate balance.
First, look at Vidura in the Mahabharata. He was the prime minister of the Kuru kingdom and his job was to advise the blind king, Dhritarashtra. He never shied away from the truth. He constantly warned the king about his son Duryodhana’s evil intentions and the disastrous path the kingdom was on. His truths were often harsh and “unpleasant.” But he always spoke from a place of genuine love and concern for the king and the kingdom. He wasn’t trying to win an argument or prove he was right; he was trying to prevent a catastrophe. His intent was pure welfare.
Next, consider Krishna’s role as a messenger of peace before the great war. He went to the Kaurava court with a proposal to avoid bloodshed. He spoke the truth plainly, outlining the injustice done to the Pandavas. But he also spoke “pleasantly,” offering a reasonable compromise—just five small villages to avert the war. He presented the truth in a way that offered a path to a peaceful solution, not just a blunt accusation. His speech was a masterclass in combining honesty with skillful diplomacy.
Finally, think of Hanuman delivering Rama’s message to Sita in Lanka. He found her in a state of deep despair, held captive in the Ashoka garden. If he had just blurted out, “Rama is far away,” it might have added to her fear. Mentioning that Rama was gathering an army could have increased her anxiety. Instead, he started by subtly singing the praises of Rama from a hidden branch. He gently earned her trust before revealing himself and delivering the ring from Rama as proof. He gave her the truth, but he wrapped it in a package of hope and reassurance. He spoke the truth pleasantly, transforming it from mere information into a powerful medicine for her grief.
The Modern Disconnect
In the digital age, we’ve lost this art. On one hand, we have “brutal honesty.” People use “I’m just being real” as an excuse to be cruel. They remain unfiltered online. On the other hand, we have “ghosting” and conflict avoidance. We are so afraid of an uncomfortable conversation that we choose to lie or disappear. We have forgotten that how we say something is just as important as what we say.
Wisdom at Work
How can we use this four-part filter in our daily lives?
- In Your Career/Hustle: You need to give feedback to a junior colleague.
- Don’t say the pleasant lie: “Great job!” (when it’s not).
- Don’t say the unpleasant truth: “This is a mess.”
- Speak the truth, pleasantly: “This is a good start. I see the effort you put in. Can we look at this section together? I have a few ideas that might make it even stronger.” This is honest, kind, and constructive.
- In Your Relationships: Your friend asks about their terrible business idea.
- Don’t say the pleasant lie: “It’s genius! You’ll be a millionaire!”
- Don’t say the unpleasant truth: “That’s the dumbest idea I’ve ever heard.”
- Speak the truth, pleasantly: “I love your passion for this. That’s your superpower. Have you considered the challenge of [mention a real obstacle]? Maybe we can brainstorm ways to solve that.” You are validating their spirit while gently guiding them to see the truth.
- For Your Mental Health: This practice reduces your own internal conflict. When you learn to speak truthfully and kindly, you build trust with others and with yourself. You are no longer anxious about having difficult conversations. You have a framework that is designed to build bridges, not burn them.
Modern Sages
The world’s best communicators understand this balance instinctively.
- Vinoba Bhave, the spiritual successor to Mahatma Gandhi, was a master of gentle but firm communication. He undertook the Bhoodan (Land-Gift) Movement, walking across India and persuading wealthy landowners to voluntarily give land to the poor. His speech was a perfect blend of truth (highlighting inequality) and pleasantness (appealing to the landowners’ higher nature, not shaming them). He proved that compassionate truth can change a nation.
- Dale Carnegie, in his classic book “How to Win Friends and Influence People,” devoted entire chapters to this idea. He advised to “begin in a friendly way” and “praise the slightest improvement” before offering criticism.
- Kim Scott, a former Google and Apple executive, developed the popular management concept of “Radical Candor.” It’s built on two axes: “Care Personally” and “Challenge Directly.” This is a modern business translation of “Satyam Bruyat, Priyam Bruyat”—be honest, but do it from a place of genuine care.
- The Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh taught the concept of “loving speech.” He said, “Your speech can be a garden of flowers or a sword. It can make people happy or miserable. It is up to you.”
- Brené Brown, a renowned researcher on vulnerability, talks about the importance of “clear is kind, unclear is unkind.” This aligns perfectly with the idea of not telling pleasant lies. Being vague to avoid short-term discomfort often causes much greater pain in the long run.
Your First Step
Before you enter your next potentially difficult conversation, take 30 seconds to run your opening sentence through the four-part filter.
- Is it true? (Yes/No)
- Is it pleasant? (Or, is it framed in a kind, constructive way?) (Yes/No)
- Is it an unpleasant truth? (If so, can I rephrase it to be more supportive?)
- Is it a pleasant lie? (If so, I must find a way to be honest and kind.)
This simple pause is a workout for your communication muscles. It’s the first step toward becoming someone whose words heal rather than wound.
